Who Would I Be Without This?

Who would I be without this?

I remember going to see a Naturopath in Boulder who, upon our first meeting, asked a question that at the time I wasn’t willing or able to hear or consider.  He asked, “Who would you be without this?” I remember interpreting his question to mean that I was harboring an illness because somehow I wanted to be sick.  I never went back after that appointment.  Looking back, I’m sure he could have asked the question in a way that didn’t immediately put me on the defensive, but really, it just wasn’t the right time for me to hear it.  Later on in my journey, I began to ask that question again.  Who would I be if this weren’t a mainstay of my identity?  When I was honest with myself, being sick served a purpose for me.  It made it so that I felt less responsible.  I had a reason as to why I couldn’t show up fully in my life.  I could continue to focus on “fixing” myself, and on what I perceived to be defective.   

I certainly don’t want to imply that having a chronic illness is something that I asked for or desired, but I do see how it perpetuated and reinforced certain beliefs that I adopted at a very young age about my worth, what makes a person valuable, and how to garner love and attention.  Essentially it served as a safety net in some ways.  It kept me from having to take risks and to confront fear and vulnerability.  

When the Naturopath asked me that question, I didn’t have the understanding that healing the body can’t be separated from healing the mind and spirit.  Our thoughts and beliefs are stored in our cells making it so important to examine which beliefs we are living in agreement with.  Those beliefs give information to our cells and can either bring healing or perpetuate sickness.  

Asking the question, “Who would I be without this?” can liberate us from the belief that this is the only way a particular things can be, whether it’s our health, a relationship, a belief, a habit, or a circumstance.  When we ask ourselves the question, it frees us up to imagine alternatives.  It creates space to dream of possibilities.  It allows us to define who we are and who we want to be.