There's nothing perfect about perfection

I spent a lot of time looking for answers that I couldn’t seem to find. I’d ask everyone around me, “What do you think I should do?” I’d go to naturopaths, acupuncturists, energy healers and nutritionists with the hope that they’d provide answers to my ailments. I was obsessed with my diet - attempting to eat “perfectly.” I thought aiming at perfection would cure me, fix me, make me whole. I couldn’t see that the underlying belief that I needed to be fixed, because I thought somehow I was defective, was keeping me stuck and sick. I couldn’t see that I’d forfeited belief in my life.

I’d cry out to God in desperation. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I believed that if God loved me, I’d be healed and spared from ever having to suffer again. I believed that being “good,” meant that I shouldn’t ever have to go through anything hard. And then after years of this torture, I gave up. I didn’t want to try anymore. Trying so hard had become it’s own prison. I had nothing left in me to put towards my striving. It had done nothing for me anyway.

Giving up was a turning point. Something unexpected happened; things began to shift. I started to feel a bit better, I started to see that my life was bigger than all the things I was doing to try to heal. I’m still on the journey, but there is a peace in me now. An understanding that some days will be hard, but that inevitably, things will change and I’ll begin to feel better. In place of my striving for perfection, I am now asking myself, “What do I enjoy? What makes me feel good? Which foods bring me satisfaction and pleasure? Which activities make me feel alive and connected? Who in my life makes me feel seen, loved and heard?” I’m taking more chances. I’ve let go of the belief that I have to be perfect in order to show up to my life. That it is in fact, showing up to my life with the belief that I may not be perfect, but that I am enough, that is the most healing thing of all.