“Give the inner child what she needs and she’ll run to people for healthy things.”

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that feels incredibly familiar in its unhealthy dynamics to those you have experienced in the past? Why do we repeat these patterns in our lives? So often it’s because we are trying to get needs met that we didn’t have met in childhood. We may be seeking to meet needs for attention, love, safety, acceptance, or belonging. If we didn’t have healthy relationship models in childhood then, often in adulthood, we’ll create the early childhood dynamic in an attempt to meet the original need. The problem often lies in the fact that if we haven’t learned to love or accept ourselves, we’ll repeat patterns over and over again usually with people who will reinforce the original dynamic we’re seeking to repair.

For example, say you had an emotionally unavailable parent growing up, you’ll likely be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners as an adult, endlessly trying to get your needs met by those who don’t have the emotional capacity to provide the type of connection you long for. With an underdeveloped sense of self-worth and self-esteem this likely will result in believing that there is something wrong with you - that if you only tried harder or were “enough” you’d receive the love you want and need. Unfortunately, we can never change another person’s capacity to give us what we desire. Ultimately, the only people we have the power to change are ourselves.

The wonderful news is that we don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns that leave us feeling defeated and unfulfilled. As we begin to practice seeing ourselves clearly through eyes of compassion, we come to understand that our own love and acceptance are the very source of our healing. Approving of ourselves, becomes a vehicle to reclaim power and agency in our lives and in the world. I love the quote at the top of the post, because it so perfectly illustrates what happens when we parent our own inner child with the love they need - we no longer run to unhealthy people and things, but are freed up and able to thrive in our relationship to ourselves, our relationships with others and in our communities in ways we may not have thought possible.